How do I tell an acquaintance that I think her rabbit is suffering?

Dear s.e.,

It's been a few months since I last saw my friend's rabbit, and when I visited their house last week, I was horrified. He looked AWFUL. He's lost a lot of weight, he wasn't interested in anything around him, he was visibly uncomfortable, and he looked...well, like he was dying.

I asked my friend how he was doing and expected to hear that he's nearing the end and they're thinking about how to give him the best quality of life. Instead, she told me that he's "slowing down a bit" but didn't seem very concerned. I don't know much about rabbits, but this looked like a lot more than "slowing down." Is she in denial? Has she not realized how bad it is because it's been a slow decline? Is it actually normal for rabbits to look like this? I don't know, but I feel like I have to say something, because this feels cruel to me.

How do I bring this up? For context, she's not a super close friend, but she's part of my larger friend circle.

—Unhoppy

Hey there, Unhoppy,

You are in a bit of a sticky wicket here. Reading between the lines, it sounds like what you really want to say is "hey, uh, your rabbit is clearly dying, are you...doing anything about that?" But that's a tricky thing to say at any time, and especially when someone is more of a casual friend than a close one who might be more open to a conversation like this.

I've never had rabbits, although I have friends who do (or did), so I assure you that, as with other animals, losing weight and not being interested in his surroundings definitely isn't normal, and neither is being visibly uncomfortable. You may not know his regular personality very well since you're not there often, but he is clearly looking different enough for you to notice that something's wrong.

It's possible that he has underlying health issues that are being addressed, or that she is aware he's near the end of his life and didn't want to discuss it, so that may be why she responded the way she did. Sometimes we just don't want to get into a big conversation about something because we're having a lot of feelings, are overwhelmed, or don't know someone well enough to feel comfortable talking about end-of-life. Maybe you caught her on a day when they'd been to the vet that morning and she had a really hard conversation that she didn't feel up to revisiting. Let's hope for his sake that this is the case.

If you don't have a close relationship with her, as frustrating as it might feel, I don't really think it's your place to say anything directly to her. Not because I think nonhuman animals are property and she has the right to do whatever she wants, but because she may be less likely to be receptive to that conversation. Our definitions of "not super close" may vary, but it sounds like you're not at her house very often and may primarily see her in the context of a larger group at parties and events.

I'd say the threshold for being able to approach her directly about this is if you meet up at least once a week or so for some kind of one-on-one time like a meal, a walk, or another activity, or if you are frequently in contact via text or email. And/or she has come to you for advice and support in the past, or you have come to her, so you have established supportive rapport and she might be open to unsolicited comments and questions.

If neither of these things are true, that doesn't mean you have to say nothing and worry in silence. What you can do is take advantage of your extended friend group to see if one of your mutuals is closer to her, because that person will be in a better position to reach her and, if necessary, maybe have a very direct conversation about what's going on.

Rather than charging in to demand an intervention, I would recommend locating that person and casually mentioning that you were visiting recently and her rabbit looked like he wasn't in great shape. You can approach this from an "is there something going on and how can I be supportive" standpoint, operating in the hopes that she's aware and just didn't feel up to sharing with you. Hopefully the answer here is that he's getting the care he needs and your mutual will let you know if there's something you can do to help out.

If your mutual isn't aware of the rabbit situation, you can say that you are worried about his health based on what you saw when you visited, and concerned that your friend might not be aware of how poorly he's doing because sometimes a slow decline is hard to see when you interact with an animal every day. (Leave out any thoughts vis-a-vis denial.) You might suggest that your mutual find a reason to stop by the house and see him for themselves, and perhaps gently nudge your friend to get some information, or suggest a vet visit if she still thinks this is just normal old age.

It's hard to see an animal who is clearly suffering and feel like their guardian is not giving them the care you think they need and deserve. It's possible she just hasn't fully realized and the suggestion from a trusted friend will encourage her to make a vet appointment to discuss his health. Or, maybe he is getting the treatment he needs and he's just nearing the end of his life, so he's not looking his best but really is receiving love and care from people who are thinking about his final days; there may be things happening you don't see.

Or, she may be aware, but have different values and beliefs around what she wants from his end of life—maybe she thinks that animals should be allowed to "die a natural death," for example, even if that death is prolonged and uncomfortable. This is not the best moment to get into a protracted conversation about medical ethics and our relationships with nonhuman animals, though. Even if you disagree with her beliefs and think her choices are cruel, having that fight right now is unlikely to result in a better outcome for him.

If you feel extremely strongly that he is suffering and approaching a mutual friend doesn't work, you can try reaching out to her directly to say that are concerned about him, and her, and to ask if there's anything you can do to be helpful. She may share that he is getting veterinary care and appreciates your concern. If she doubles down on the everything is fine and normal party line, you can say that when you saw him, he looked very uncomfortable, and you think it would be a good idea to go to the vet to learn more about what's going on. She may blow you off—and it may potentially cause some friend group drama, which IMO is an okay price to pay when you're looking out for the welfare of another living being—or she might appreciate the outside perspective and offer of help.

These situations are really difficult and frustrating. I've certainly had times when I wanted to ask someone point blank why they are torturing their animal instead of giving them a graceful ending. Ultimately, you aren't responsible for other people's actions, even when those actions can feel cruel, or aren't the ones you would have taken. This sucks, I know!

Speaking out may make a difference here, but it might not, and it's a good idea to brace yourself for that possible outcome (and I hope that you will be pleasantly surprised). Please don't beat yourself up if you're unable to reach her with this conversation.

Tell yourself I said...

Living empathetically can be a hard road sometimes, but it's still worth doing