My friend can't read the room and it's stressing everyone out

Dear s.e.,

I'm having a frustrating situation with a friend that I'm hoping you might have some insight into. A long-time mutual friend of ours recently died. My friend and I are very involved in planning her memorial and helping the family with her estate.

My friend is a wonderful and supportive person, BUT she can be really sarcastic and cracks a lot of jokes in her daily life, and that extends to this, too. Her unserious attitude is making the family uncomfortable to the point that they've been "accidentally" leaving her off group chat threads or "forgetting" to loop her in on planning emails. I'm also having a hard time with this because it feels like whenever I want to talk about our friend, she's so flippant that it's hard to get through to her and have a serious conversation. I'm starting to avoid invites from her because I just can't deal with being in a room with her right now.

She doesn't seem to be picking up on any of this. We're all stressed out and grieving and the longer this goes on, the more resentful I feel. I'm worried it will irreparably damage our friendship, and it's also really upsetting our friend's family. What do I do?

—Not Amused

Howdy, Not Amused,

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for navigating this on top of that. I also know that the family is probably deeply appreciative of all your help and support, and you're a kind and generous human to be there for them.

And BOY did you come to the right person with this one because this is something I struggle with a lot from the other side of this equation as the person who is not reading the room. Not to make your question all about me, but I am in a good position to answer it because this is a behavior pattern in myself that I am well aware of AND it is also one I am working really hard on (...as I would hope would be the case for anyone who realizes that they're doing a thing that upsets other people).

You are not responsible for managing your friend's psychological growth, but there are some nudges you can provide along the way to encourage her to seek out some growth opportunities and also make your mutual grief more navigable. You don't have to suffer in silence here. I also want to make to make it clear, in case someone tries to tell you this, that "it's just their personality" or "what are you going to do, that's just [friend] for you!" is not a defense to doing things that hurt people's feelings. If your friend isn't aware of how upsetting she's being, and she is a true friend, she's gonna appreciate you bringing this up.

I'm not here to make excuses for your friend, and you've probably thought about some of the reasons why she keeps doing this, but I wanted to throw a few things out for the record. I will also note that as an autistic who spends a lot of time with other autistics and assorted neurodiverse comrades, this behavior can come from this place: I'm not an armchair diagnostician, but this is ringing a lot of bells for me. Whether or not your friend is one of the neurodiverse set (knowingly or unknowingly), this is something she needs to work on, and clear, direct communication will help her do that. You don't have to be a spectrum baddie to be bad at reading the room, of course...but that clear, direct communication will help a neurotypical person out too.

Often, people who have a tough time reading the room are simply oblivious to the fact that we're not picking up on the vibe or that we're doing things that are making people uncomfortable. Maybe that's because we're bad at paying attention to social cues, but it can also be because people are conflict-avoidant and nervous about saying "yo! This is not cool please stop!" so we don't realize that the vague discomfort/unease in the room is actually because people are genuinely upset and/or is about us. Or maybe someone has made a few allusions or said something but we didn't realize how serious they were being.

Sometimes that boisterousness and joking around also comes from a place of fear and anxiety; I have a pretty dark sense of humor (I literally wrote a book called All My Dead Cats!) and it can be a coping technique that not everyone loves. It can also, of course, be a way to simply deflect really sitting with something. It's one thing to spend time with other people who share your sense of humor, e.g. my Dead Dad Club groupchat. It's another to be putting that energy out there in a place where it isn't welcome.

It's possible your friend will continue to skate along blissfully unaware of how much this is upsetting and frustrating you until you finally snap.

It's also possible (speaking from experience) that your friend will wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat after a lightbulb moment, feel mortified, and not really know what to do about it, other than...continuing to post through it, as the kids say.

Neither option is good for either of you!

Especially since you two are actively collaborating with the family on planning for events and thinking about the disposition of her estate, this is something you really gotta address, as unpleasant as it might feel. I suspect some other people may appreciate your intervention, too.

While I know it feels stiff and awkward as hell to have a "we need to talk" conversation, you do indeed need to do that thing. If you can, find a moment to bring this up organically rather than trying to Plan A Whole Thing that both of you will approach with mutual fear and dread. Try to avoid a captive audience situation where you have this tough conversation together and have no space for either of you to step back and breathe, like a car ride. I really like the "hey, want to meet up for a walk later?" (or whatever thing you do regularly) strategy because it gets you in the same place together without tipping her off to the fact that something big is happening.

Here's a starting point for ripping this band-aid off: "I really value our friendship and closeness with [friend's] family and I am honored to be able to celebrate her legacy with you. But, and I'm not sure you're conscious that you're doing this, you tend to express your feelings about [friend] in ways that feel a little off or flippant, and it makes me uncomfortable. We all had really different relationships with [friend]. I know that she very much shared your sense of humor and I often do too, but it's not for me right now. Everyone grieves differently and I am not telling you how to feel or act, just letting you know how I feel. Sometimes humor can be a coping mechanism and that might be part of your grieving process too, but that's not where I am at in my own process. I also wanted to let you know that the family has been uncomfortable as well and it might be good to take a step back for a bit while you think about this conversation, although I'll make sure to keep you updated on important things. I want to stress that I'm not mad at you, just expressing some feelings so they don't fester."

You're not telling her how to feel, or telling her to go to therapy, or insisting that she go find someone else to grieve with, you're simply telling her how you are feeling, and asking her to consider you. Good friends consider each other!

Unless your friend is a cooler person than I am (I hope she is!), she might not react well to this initially. She may feel embarrassed and awkward and opt to try to displace those feelings by minimizing yours, weaponizing the "someone should have said something" card as though this is somehow your fault, or insisting that this is the way she needs to grieve and you, supportive friend, should tolerate it to support her by suppressing your own feelings. If she gets reactive on you or the conversation turns into an endless rehash that's not going anywhere, you can say something like "I appreciate you taking the time to hear me out and you probably need some time to think" or "I said what I needed to say here and I don't think going in circles about this will be helpful."

Pick or reference a near-future day/time/activity to see each other again to make it clear you don't hate her forever ("I want to give you some space and I know we need to talk about this more, but in the meantime, I hope you'll be at trivia tomorrow!"), you just really needed to say this and while it does need to be addressed, it doesn't have to be a record stop moment.

I know having Big Feelings Conversations with friends can be hard even at the best of times, and if the thought of this is making you want to turn your entire body inside-out and mail yourself to Tristan da Cunha, you also have the option of putting this in a letter. For the recipient, processing via a letter is sometimes better because she can have her initial kneejerk reaction on her own time, process it, and come to you when she's ready to have a deeper conversation and/or apologize.

As a person who has unfortunately been on the receiving end of this conversation several times, it IS embarrassing and awkward and I'm mostly upset at myself when this happens. I am also a pro at beating myself up over this and can get caught into the loop of going over the top with apologies/justifications that turns into the other person reassuring me. If you start to get caught in that loop, you can firmly say "hey, I appreciate it, you really don't need to keep apologizing, I think we're going to be in a better place moving forward."

For the record, I've never been angry or resentful at someone for having to pull me aside for this talk; I've appreciated their candor and their desire to keep investing in our friendship, even if I needed some space to cool down and think. Even if her initial reaction is not good, I really do think she will come around. She might be a little more subdued or cautious for a while as she tries to navigate her feelings, but that's about her growth process, not you.

Tell your friend I said...

I love you AND you gotta knock it off with this, buddy