Not feeling it

Dear s.e.,

My mother's alcoholic older brother recently (finally) died. He was terrible to my mom, although she kept trying to repair their relationship until it was clear that he was not going to change. I stopped talking to him many years ago because of the way he treated my mom, and because he said some very horrible things to me. This caused some family strife while he was alive, and apparently, it's going to continue after his death too!

My mom and I did not attend the funeral, are not interested in any family activities like looking through old photos and mementos, and made it clear that we don't want to be involved in his estate at all. Thankfully her judgy siblings live across the country.

We're doing just fine but the people around us are convinced that we will look back on the end of his life with regret and we're "suppressing our grief." My mom's boss tried to force her to take time off and a couple of my friends have told me they're "here when you want to talk," implying that eventually I will come to my senses. My husband seems to think I am moments away from a complete mental breakdown as I come to terms with my uncle's death, but honestly...for me, he died years ago and there are no terms to come to.

How do I tell people that they're getting on my nerves?

—Neither Shaken Nor Stirred

Howdy, Neither Shaken,

Man do I feel you on this one. People really struggle with estrangement in general when they've never experienced it, and like to tell you that you will be overcome by guilt by failing to reconcile at the end when someone finally croaks. For some of us, deaths like this are just kind of a relief, knowing that this door is closed and we never need to open it again, and here's Nosy Nancy rattling the doorknob at us.

I'm really glad that you and your mom have each other and that you seem to be on the same page with respect to this whole situation. It sounds like you've set clear boundaries with the family about your level of involvement and her siblings can go suck on some eggs if they want, although if they are still nudging you, you can always fall back on "as we said before, we're not interested in being involved and don't need to be updated" or "we had a different relationship with him than you did, and you need to respect that" or just a full stop "we are not interested in discussing this further."

I don't know how often your family gathers, but if you do (especially with many holidays coming up) you and your mom might want to have a game plan for handling this, whether you want to politely change the subject or take a harder line. And you should make sure your husband knows that he is expected to back you up on this.

You should also figure out ahead of time whether you're willing to simply walk out when family don't respect your boundaries, or if you are going to grin and bear it. That depends on how important your other family relationships are...it certainly sounds like you're already not a big fan of her other siblings, so maybe "ruining dinner" by leaving is fine, actually! Protect your peace!

(Sure would be a shame if something ~ came up ~ and you couldn't make Thanksgiving.)

Remember that in this scenario, the people who are pressuring you to feel a certain way and telling you what you need are the ones in the wrong, not you.

Everyone feels every kind of death differently and there's no right way to do it, which is something to remind people of when they want to get on your case about this. People aren't big fans of being told they're overstepping, but if you don't want to be told you're overstepping, don't overstep, or at very least stop doing it when someone points it out.

Try saying this stuff in the mirror. It feels really goofy, but actually saying it out loud can help you build some muscle memory so it's easier when the time comes. Or you can drop some text bombs or emails, if that's more your thing.

You can tell people that you don't need to be told how to react to his death and didn't ask for their feedback. That they should make more allowances for the people in their lives to handle deaths the way they need to. If people are making you feel cornered and uncomfortable, tell them, especially if they keep bringing this up. This might feel awkward, as enforcing boundaries often does, and it may help to think of it as advocating not just for you, but for other people who may not be reacting in the "approved" way to a death.

You can say you appreciate their concern but you have the support you need and if you want help, you will keep their offers in mind. If they keep pressing, keep repeating yourself; and in your mom's case with her boss, she can add a "thanks, I prefer to keep my personal and work life separate but I'll let you know if I think taking leave would be helpful."

(Or, if it's paid bereavement leave, honestly, TAKE IT and then go on a cool vacation and have a blast while also maybe applying for other jobs.)

I don't know how much you have shared, but you can make note of your history in these conversations, or allude to the fact that your relationship with him was "complicated" or "not close" or "not particularly friendly."

If people are aware of the nature of this relationship, you can always go for the jugular: "Actually, my uncle was a shitty person and I'm glad he's dead" or "being dead doesn't change the fact that my uncle was abusive and I stopped communicating with him a long time ago" or "as you know, I wasn't in contact with my uncle, I don't regret that decision, and I'm not too troubled by his death."

If people don't know, you don't have to get into it if you don't want to! You can just keep repeating the party line that you are doing fine, don't need help, and would in fact love for people to simply drop this.

As for your husband, I think you might need to sit down for a slightly bigger conversation. He clearly knows that you were estranged and may know some of the reasons why. If he doesn't, this is the time to be very explicit about why you, and later your mother as well, decided to go no contact. Your husband may be struggling to grapple with this because he doesn't fully understand what's going on, or he has a great family and has never been in this situation, or both.

You can be very frank with him and explain that his attempts at being supportive are having the opposite effect. You can remind him that people's reactions to death are really different and that you're feeling dandy at the moment, but you're aware that at some point in the future, your feelings might be different. If that does happen, you know where to find him and ask for help, but the fretting that you're one broken glass away from a psychiatric crisis is stressing you tf out and he needs to knock it off.

It's okay if he doesn't quite understand this, although I hope he gets there eventually, but he does need to respect it.

Remember that in this scenario, the people who are pressuring you to feel a certain way and telling you what you need are the ones in the wrong, not you. When you stand up for yourself, you will get some crocodile tears and "I am just trying to be supportive" and "Neither Shaken is so MEAN" and you know what, that's a them problem. Not a you problem. You are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to not be sad that a shitty person died, and I hope you and your mother enjoy having this weight lifted off your backs.

Tell your concern trolls I said...

Thanks, but I got this