How do I get my coworker to shut up about my dog's cancer treatment?

Dear s.e.,

I'm having a nosy coworker problem. A few weeks ago, I was opening up the coffee shop where I work and a coworker I don't know very well overheard me talking to a friend about my 17-year-old chihuahua's cancer diagnosis. I'm devastated, obviously, but after talking to my veterinarian, I have a treatment plan that I feel as good as I can about.

My coworker immediately inserted himself into our conversation with unsolicited advice (think supplements and magnet therapy, and telling me that pharmaceuticals are poison). I said I'm not interested in suggestions and changed the subject. Now, every time we have a shift together, he brings the subject up again. It's making me more and more uncomfortable and I'm starting to dread working with him. What do I do?

— Big Pharma Sheep

Hey there, Big Pharma Sheep,

I'm so sorry about your chihuahua's diagnosis. 17 years is a long time to have with an animal companion and you two have been through a lot together. It's good to hear that you've landed on treatment that you feel is appropriate and that you have a good veterinarian to support you. And it sucks that you are stuck with a shitty coworker problem right now on top of everything you are dealing with.

You did the right thing the first time out by stating that you're not interested and then moving things along. I'm guessing that you have continued to do that every time it comes up. His failure to respect your boundaries is not okay. Unfortunately, many men love to be loud and wrong and assume that everyone is interested in their opinions.

You have a couple of options here, depending on your workplace dynamics. The easiest way out, if you can take it, is to set yourself up with a schedule where you two don't work together, or you'd have minimal contact because you're both scheduled at the peak of the day with lots of customers when you don't have time for conversations. It's really infuriating to have to orient your work schedule around someone else's bad behavior but sometimes you gotta protect your peace.

If you're the person who wrangles the schedule, that makes your life a lot easier. If not, when you talk to the person who does, it's worth explicitly saying that you are asking to change shifts because he is making you uncomfortable, so it's on the record—and you can explain that you want to try this rather than asking them to give him a warning.

I'm going to guess that you have considered this and it's not an option for whatever reason, but I always like to make sure I have all my bases covered. Or maybe you just need a third party to say "this is a reasonable, albeit annoying, thing to do and you're not out of bounds or weird if you want to make this ask," in which case, yes, you are not being silly or overdramatic for wanting to request a schedule change.

Your next option is to see if you can recruit some comrades. It sounds like you have at least one coworker you're friendly enough with to talk about what's happening, and I hope you have more (I know firsthand the trauma bonding experience of working in food service). You could mention what's going on—if they haven't already noticed—and explicitly ask for whatever level of support you feel comfortable with. If they are noticing the behavior and your discomfort, they may feel uncomfortable too, but not know quite how you want them to handle it.

That could be something like "hey, whenever you see him start to go on about this, can you butt in and change the subject/ask me for help with something/otherwise redirect the convo?" We love a low-key, minimally-confrontational way to solve a problem like this rather than turning into a Thing. Ideally he will take a subtle hint and stop doing this.

If you think you need a heavier hand, you can ask a colleague to explicitly intervene when this happens to reiterate what you're saying: Tell him that you just said you don't want to discuss this with him, and that he needs to let it go. Having backup to help you hold your ground can be really helpful in addition to putting him on notice that every time he tries to corner you about this, someone is going to tell him to knock it off because no one in the workplace is impressed with this behavior, so maybe he should simply stop doing it.

If these options aren't working—he's still doing it, or he's being bratty because he doesn't like the pushback, say—there's also a more formalized complaint route. You might be hesitant to do this for any number of reasons—maybe management tells people to work stuff out on their own, there's no real system for reporting conflicts with coworkers, or you're worried this might escalate and he could get retaliatory and weird. I'd encourage you to consider it, though, because it will get this issue on the record.

Management is responsible for making sure that you have a safe and healthy workplace, and that includes making sure bad behavior doesn't have staff feeling uncomfortable and gross. Let them know that you tried to deescalate this on your own and it's not stopping, and ask them to speak to him about it. If you are concerned about retaliation, you can name that too. When that talk happens, if he keeps doing it, you should keep reporting it. If your workplace doesn't have a good system in place for handling situations like this, this may be the impetus they need to get their act together.

If he's being out of bounds with you about this, there's a possibility he's also been weird with other people, and it's good to let management know it's happening. Speaking up for yourself could indirectly benefit other people he's being a creep with. Sometimes it takes one person to make other people feel more comfortable coming forward, or there may be preexisting reports about other issues that you don't know about and your report could help management understand that being a dillweed seems to be a consistent behavior for him.

It's possible that reporting may lead to more serious disciplinary action, especially if other employees are complaining about issues they're having with him. I need to stress that you should not feel bad about this: He is choosing to be shitty, and he is facing the consequences of his own actions. If he wants to engage in loser behavior and be a jerk after you report him, that is also a choice that he is making. If this turns into a situation where other people take his side, you can tell people that he's choosing to harass you about this, you reported it because you have a right to not feel gross at work, and if he doesn't want to be disciplined, he should stop.

I hope this guy can figure out the error of his ways and your coworkers are supportive so you can focus on taking care of your dog and yourself.

Tell your coworker I said...

This is the last time I am going to say this: I am not interested in discussing this with you and you need to drop it