How do I help the surviving member of a bonded pair through her grief?
I'm on the "Hiss and Tell" podcast this week with cat behaviorist Kristiina Wilson. We had a great chat about pet loss, cat culture, and supporting each other through tough times. Go check it out on your podcast player of choice or her website, and subscribe for more great episodes.
Dear s.e.,
I’ve had my cats Cumulus and Nimbus since they were kittens, and they were a very tightly bonded pair. Cumulus recently died, and Nimbus is really struggling. I’m starting to worry about her because she hasn’t been eating and she’s wandering around all the house obviously looking for him. What can I do to help her?
—Cloudy in Connecticut
Hey there, Cloudy!
I’m sorry to hear about Cumulus, and I’m sorry for Nimbus, too. Losing your best friend is disorienting no matter your species, and bonded pairs of cats really do form deep connections with each other. It’s so hard when they lose their lifelong comrades. Speaking to grief across the species divide is really difficult.
Just as with humans, there’s no “normal” grief for cats, but what you’re describing is pretty common: Sometimes surviving cats will be less interested in food, less active, and are clearly confused about where their friends are. Wandering around the house isn’t necessarily unhealthy, although it is really heartbreaking, and I know how rough it feels to not know what to do to help. That doesn’t make it any easier to witness, but I did want to assure you that Nimbus is not alone and neither are you.
Timelines for grief can vary from cat to cat too. You didn’t mention how long ago Cumulus died, but Nimbus will definitely adapt on her own timeline. You (and I!) are both obviously concerned about supporting her as she navigates her very changed world, and sometimes it really is just a factor of time. Try giving her extra attention, not removing or moving things that belonged to Cumulus, and perhaps seeing if her appetite perks up if you offer some treats or uniquely stinky food. (Friskies is a tried and true “I have tried every single thing I can think of and my cat refuses to eat” option, and shaved bonito flakes on regular food sometimes help too because the odor is so strong.)
Send your future self a present: Preorder my book, All My Dead Cats and Other Losses: Practicing Good Grief in a Culture That Fears Mourning. Send me proof of your preorder and you'll get some fun stickers in the mail!
It can also help to keep things in general familiar. Stick to your regular feeding times and locations, even if it feels weird without Cumulus. Probably not the best time to go on a furniture rearranging spree, and a great time to spend more time hanging at home and having low-key guests that Nimbus knows and likes to see. Retaining routines is a reminder that even in times of change, some things will still remain consistent.
There’s endless debate about how much human spoken language cats understand, which I think is made more complicated by the fact that cats have selective hearing and basically do what they want, like I am very confident that Tricycle knows what “get off the counter” means in any tone of voice, BUT I firmly believe that talking to your cat is a good thing, especially when they are feeling down. I suspect, if you’re like most cat guardians, that you already make a habit of talking to her.
Even if Nimbus doesn’t quite follow what you’re saying, she will pick up on your interest in her and your tone—and I do think cats understand more than they let on. Talking to her about Cumulus might be good for you, too, since you also knew and loved Cumulus. I’m sure she will have plenty of her own to say even if you, in turn, can’t quite catch it all.
You’re also probably a little worried about where the tipping point is between emotional growth and developing with grief, versus when it might actually be unhealthy for Nimbus. With cats, not eating can become a health concern, because not eating all, or taking in very limited calories, can be hard on their little bodies, especially their livers. If by “hasn’t been eating,” you mean she hasn’t had any food at all in three days or more, you should call your veterinarian.
If she’s not eating very much…still call your veterinarian to discuss whether you should bring her in for an exam or to see if they have suggestions to try, including high-calorie prescription foods. There are some medical options, including appetite stimulants, that can sometimes pull cats out of a spiral, and if she’s really not eating, a feeding tube might be an option (I don’t want to scare you! These are pretty rare, you usually only need one for a little while, and they aren’t fun to manage, but they are manageable).
It might help, if you’re not already, to keep a little log of when, how much, and what she eats so you can have a better handle on her calorie intake. Also keep an eye on her activity levels: She’s probably not as active as she might normally be, but if she’s really lethargic, not taking very much interest in what’s happening around her, withdrawing from or avoiding you, overgrooming, or is just giving off bad vibes, check in with your veterinarian.
And depending on how old Nimbus is and how recently she went to the vet, it might be good to get an exam to make sure she’s doing okay physically, and if the vet recommends it, to get some bloodwork—if you don’t find anything remarkable, that’s great and ideal! That bloodwork can also be a baseline to return to in the future if she develops some health issues and you want to know if a lab value is in her normal range. If you do find an problem, you’ve caught it early and you can address it.
Britt is a ten-year-old cat who has been living at Anti-Cruelty in Chicago since January. She's in the market for an only-cat home where she can live on her own terms. The shelter says: "She is so full of energy and love! She will truly become your shadow and loyal companion. Playing, sitting on your lap, and greeting you the second you get home. She has a bit of a mischievous side which makes her even more fun! Britt is a part-time lap cat and full-time delight. She loves short cuddling and petting sessions and will let you know when space is needed."
Sometimes, like people, cats can benefit from psychiatric medications for a short period of time while they regain their equilibrium. This is especially true if they’re engaging in behavior that’s out of character, including aggression, anxiety, extreme restlessness, or hyperactivity. If Nimbus is having a really hard time, your vet might recommend that you consider a short course of something: The goal here isn’t to medicate her feelings away or stop a behavior that’s not good for her or you, but to give her brain a little room to breathe.
You and Nimbus may also be bouncing some big feelings between each other. You both just lost a close friend, and because we live in a horrible capitalist hellscape where people don’t care about each other—especially their animals—you may not have a lot of resources to help you, too. I hope you have cool supportive friends and a therapist if that’s helpful, but even with support, death and loss suck, and Nimbus can sense how you’re feeling. This doesn’t mean that you should try to put on a stiff upper lip for her, but does mean that getting yourself some help and taking time to process can also help her out.
You’re probably going to start hearing from people telling you to “get another one” or “Nimbus looks lonely, I think she needs a friend.” You get to decide when and if you adopt another cat, and those people are welcome to take those thoughts elsewhere, but it’s also worth noting that, much though people might think, that might actually not be good for Nimbus. No cat is identical, but cats who are grieving a missing friend might be upset and confused by the arrival of another cat, and the introduction might not go super smoothly. If people are pressuring you, you can point that out.
Over time, Nimbus will find a way to orient herself to her very changed world and you, too, will carry Cumulus with you and find ways to integrate Cumulus’ memory into your life. There will probably be ups and downs, times when it feels insurmountable and times when it doesn’t, and it’s important for both of you to get the time, space, and care you need.
Tell your cat I said…
Death sucks, and I’m sorry for your loss, and I hope you know that you are loved and not doing this on your own
Head on over to submit a question and find resources including pet loss hotlines, quality of life assessment tools, and information on financial assistance with veterinary costs.
