How do I tiptoe into adopting a cat after loss?

Dear s.e., 

My beloved cat Posey died last fall, and I feel like I might finally be ready to start looking at adopting another cat, but I don’t really know where to start. Do you have advice on dipping your toes into the water? And dealing with people who keep pressuring you to adopt before you’re ready?

—Is it Time?

Hey there Is it Time, 

I’m so sorry for your loss; I am betting you and Posey had many good years and adventures together, and it’s so important to take the time you need to honor and mourn. It’s a bummer that the people around you aren’t respecting that and are pressuring you into adopting another cat while you’re still processing your grief, although this is unfortunately extremely common behavior.

I hope you’ve been able to set some boundaries and claim some space for yourself with people who are busting out the dreaded “just get another one.” I know how hard that can be, especially as more time passes. People seem to think there is some sort of acceptable waiting period after which you are legally obligated to adopt a cat. We already know Posey was THE one, a unique and fantastic part of your life, you’re not looking for a replacement.

But, and I know you already know this, you are not, in fact, required to race to the shelter right this very minute. You can welcome a cat into your life on your own timeline, whether it’s months, years, or never. Sometimes it helps to have that affirmed by another person when you’re being surrounded by messaging that sometimes gets downright manipulative. 

So, what you can say to those people is “I appreciate your concern/interest/thoughts but I’m not ready to adopt a cat right now, and I’ll know when the time is right.” Or “Posey actually isn’t replaceable, and I’m sure I will want to share my life with another cat someday, but that moment isn’t right now.” Or “I have been thinking about maybe meeting some cats at the shelter to see how it goes, but I don’t want to rush into a big decision like this, and I’ll take as much time as I need.” You can also keep your thoughts about maybe thinking about adoption to yourself if you feel like people are going to pester you about it!

Or, you can just say “I don’t think that’s any of your business” or “I think it’s pretty cold to talk to me as though Posey was a worn-out refrigerator that needs to be replaced,” depending on who you’re talking to and how spicy you’re feeling. 

If you want to be a ~ bigger person ~ you could say you find it a little hurtful and disrespectful to talk to people this way, and that they should be kinder with you and consider also being kinder with others, but you’re not obligated to teach grownups basic manners. (If it’s a kid talking to you, I’m inclined to grant a little more grace especially since they learn these behaviors from their parents so this is your chance to push back on these attitudes.)

If they’re trying to lean on you with comments like “well, so many cats need homes right now” or constantly sending you profiles of adoptable cats at the local shelter, or worse yet sending you pleas about cats at risk of euthanasia if someone doesn't adoapt them, you have my permission to say “hey, this is actually a really shitty thing to do, please stop, you cannot bully me into adopting a cat, that’s not fair to me or the cat.”

If you are truly ready to test the waters, my first piece of advice really is to think of it like river swimming: You can wade in slowly, stop, and even get out at any time before you fully take the plunge. Sometimes you gotta get a little way into the water before you realize it’s too cold, it smells weird, your tummy hurts, or actually you just don’t feel like swimming right now, and that's just fine.

There are some great low-pressure options to start out with. You might find Petfinder or a local shelter’s website helpful for checking out hot singles cats in your area in privacy, without feeling rushed or pushed into something. Lots of shelters are on social media now, and you don’t need to follow them if a steady stream of posts stresses you out, but you can look at their socials to learn more about adoptable animals—sometimes they’re better about posting photos, video, and updates on social media than they are at keeping the information on their website current. 

Another option that I really love, if it’s available in your area, is going to a cat café. Cat cafes are kind of neutral territory: Yes, they have adoptable cats, and they are hoping that visitors decide to adopt, but they are also simply cafes, and plenty of people come to hang out and socialize with the cats without wanting to adopt one. I like to visit them while traveling! Some cat cafes even have activities like yoga, movie nights, painting, and the like that you might also find fun because they’re a mixture of social activity and hanging out with cats, and fellow cat lovers.  

Cat cafes give you a chance to spend time interacting with and getting to know cats who are available for adoption, but you don’t have an adoption counselor hovering over you and you’re not in the stress of an environment where you feel like you have to leave with a cat or you’re a failure. If you fall in love with a cat, you can talk to the staff about it, but if not, that’s okay! And you can return as often as you like, knowing that those cats are living great, happy, active lives with people who take great care of them and screen adopters thoughtfully.

Obviously, you can skip straight to visiting a shelter if you like. If they have a website or social media, you can check them out ahead of time to get a sense of the vibes. For example, a lot of municipal and county shelters unfortunately still keep cats in small cages, which can feel depressing and overwhelming when you’re not sure if you’re ready to adopt, because leaving them behind at the end of your visit can be pretty sad. Others have large condos, community cat areas, and more spacious housing with enrichment where you can visit without feeling like the cats are in jail. 

I am, for the record, a huge fan of adopting from municipal and county shelters precisely because they are under resourced and may be struggling, but it can be more emotionally intense, and it’s okay to decide that’s not for you right now.

Some rescues are foster-based, which means they may share listings about their animals, but you’ll have to set up a visit with a foster in their home. I suspect this might not be a great scenario for you because this can feel like it comes with an expectation that you will absolutely be adopting that cat. But, it’s a good way to see how cats are in a home environment, and to learn more about them from people who have spent a lot of time with them. If you want to split the difference there, you can stalk some of those fosters on social media—more and more people use social media to promote fostering and talk about the animals in their care—for as long as you need before deciding whether you are ready to set up a meet and greet.

And again, no matter where you’re meeting cats, you are not obliged to adopt one. There are indeed a lot of cats who need homes and I’m willing to bet yours would be a loving, really wonderful one—but only when you’re ready. 

If you meet a cat (or two) and feel like it’s a hit, wonderful! 

But if you’re still feeling unsure about whether you’re ready to do this, another option is to foster: You can provide a cat with needed love and care, without a lifetime commitment, and can make a huge difference in their life. Maybe you end up falling in love with fostering and decide to keep doing it! Maybe it makes you realize that you’re ready to adopt, whether the cat you’re fostering or another. Or maybe it shows you that you’re not quite ready to have a cat in your house yet—it feels weird, it’s bringing up complicated feelings, or for any other reasons.  

The bottom line here is that grief moves on its own times, and sometimes in surprising ways. It’s okay to take all the time you need and to sit with unexpected emotions. 

Tell your (possible) future cat I said…

You’ll feel it when the time is right