I miss having a dog, but I'm scared any new dog won't measure up to THE dog of my heart
Dear s.e.,
It's been almost a year since my beloved dog passed after a very short battle with cancer at only nine years old. I'm really starting to feel like I miss having a dog, but I know I still miss HIM specifically. I'm worried that I'll compare any other dog I have in the future to this dog and that no other dog could live up to who he was. I don't want to never have another dog, but I'm worried I'll resent any other dog for not being him. I grew up with dogs my whole life, but he was my first dog as an adult—and he was a very special pup. I never felt like this before with any of my childhood dogs. How do I know if I can handle it?
—Still Sad in Canada
Hey there, still sad,
I’m so sorry for your loss. The year anniversary is always an unexpectedly rough one, so I hope you have plans to be easy on yourself, whatever that might look like for you. And you can miss both having a dog in the house, especially if you’ve always had one, and miss this dog in particular. I’d be surprised if you didn’t!
The death of your first animal as an adult is also really hard; I am guessing that your dog probably went through some big transitions with you, so his memory is also wrapped up with major life events. Every dog is unique and wonderful, but childhood dogs are often more of a shared experience. Kids usually aren’t solely responsible for their care, and if they’re younger, may not be making big decisions about their lives or handling hard conversations with the veterinarian. That doesn’t make them lesser, just different.
Your dog is a person you are always going to carry with you, and some days you are gonna get hit by a grief sneaker wave that may really take you out, but over time, you are going to have more good days than bad.
You probably will compare every dog you have in the future to this dog because they are their own selves, because you are forming new memories, because your relationships with each other are different. You’ll do the same with every dog you ever have—kind of like how you’re reflecting on the differences between your relationships with your childhood dogs and your deep connection with this dog.
Those comparisons do not have to be negative. At times, they may even be positive, and a way of honoring this dog’s memory. Rather than framing this as fear that another dog will never live up to your beloved comrade, think of this as an apples and oranges situation. Both are fruits, but beyond that, they are so distinct as to be in different universes (despite what these guys think). You probably don’t reach for an orange when you’re making a pie, and you likely don’t put apple slices in your old fashioned.
Even in circumstances where they overlap—a quick snack in your work lunchbox, or a running partner—they’re still going to have a very different feel. Right now you might feel like apples are the only fruit for you and you can’t imagine going for an orange, it just doesn’t feel right, but I think you’ll find that if you accept an orange into your life, you’ll find a place in your heart for it too. There’s room in the fruit bowl for both.
As I say early and often: You can bring a dog (or cat, or horse, or any other species) into your life on your own timeline. Maybe for you that means you go a couple years. Maybe in two months you’re going to fall in love with a dog that is a perfect fit for you right now. No matter when it happens, you’re going to form a new partnership with a canine companion who brings wonderful things to your life. If anyone’s nudging you, you can tell them that this can wait. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you.
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It’s also hard to know if you can handle it until you try it, but there are ways to explore what it’s like to have another dog living in your house without committing to a lifetime with that dog.
That might look like dogsitting for a friend while they’re out of town, which can be a really great way to test the waters: You’ll know that dog and be familiar and comfortable with them, and you also know that they are very much loved and their person will be back, so you have finite, clearly-defined time together.
Another option is fostering for a local shelter or rescue. Some specifically want fosters who can take a dog for a night or two to give them a chance to experience a regular household and see how they do. Others might love a foster who can take a dog on for more time. You’re clearly a big dog person, and fostering is a great way to make a huge difference in a dog’s life while also giving yourself some room to explore what it feels like.
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You might have capacity or special skills that would be really helpful, whether it’s dog training experience, comfort with large-breed dogs, or the ability to handle a dog who needs to take medication or receive other medical support. It can be incredibly rewarding to help a dog blossom and see their personality outside the stress of a shelter setting.
If you get overwhelmed, you can tell the foster coordinator you’re ready to bring the dog back. You might also decide you enjoy the experience—depending on the situation you might just be a buddy for a few days, or you might attend adoption events or meet with potential adopters. It’s possible that fostering might end in an adoption, but it might not, and that’s okay.
If you're feeling like you might be ready to consider adoption, many shelters and rescues offer a trial period. That can give you the experience of committing to taking this dog specifically into your life for the long-term, but if you realize after a week or two you're not ready or it's not working for other reasons, you can pull the ripcord. Don't feel like you're giving up or returning a dog like a pair of shoes that didn't fit: Shelters and rescues want dogs to be in the best homes, and adoptions don't work out for a variety of reasons. Think of the time you spent together as an opportunity for that dog to get a break and see what living with someone is like, and you can share detailed notes about how it went, just like with a foster, that the shelter or rescue can use in future matchmaking.
Clover is a four-year-old rabbit currently in foster care through the Humane Society of Toronto. Here's what they say about her: Clover is incredibly clever and loves showing off her master skills at target training for her favorite greens and kibble. She is looking for a patient, adult-only home where she can be the only bun in the house. With a little patience, this beautiful girl will eagerly put her front paws on your leg to ask for treats, proving that true heroism is all about a big heart. Have a pet of the week nomination? Send it to POTW at allmydeadcats.com
Having another dog in the house might feel weird at first. The sound of someone else’s nails clicking on the floors, of someone else taking a deep drink at the water bowl, might bring up complicated emotions. Seeing another dog curl up in a favorite spot or roll in the same patch of dirt your dog used to love might feel strange, almost like erasure. Your first instinct might be “agh oh no I cannot do this” but take some deep breaths and give yourself room to adjust before deciding that no, this is too much.
No matter which route you go for, try to make sure it happens during a time when you’re not going to be overloaded with work, social obligations, and other pressures. Not just because you want to give your guest as much consideration and attention as possible, but because it lets you control your schedule and take breaks if you need to. Give yourself flexibility and room for going on walks with friends, spending time at the beach, or just chilling at home, depending on how you’re feeling.
This is a journey that may happen in fits and starts. Your dog is a person you are always going to carry with you, and some days you are gonna get hit by a grief sneaker wave that may really take you out, but over time, you are going to have more good days than bad. You might have flashes of negative comparisons, but don’t beat yourself up over them, because they happen to everyone, and it doesn’t mean you don’t love or care for another dog. Think of this as a different kind of relationship just like every friendship is different and has to be approached on its own terms, because that’s fundamentally what having a dog is all about.
Tell your dog (when you’re ready) I said…
You’re going to have a beautiful life together
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