What, if anything, should I tell my cat's prior guardian about a terminal diagnosis?

Dear s.e.,

Do I tell my cat's previous owner he's sick? My cat was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and the prognosis is not good (pending). I got him from an acquaintance seven years ago when they were not able to take care of him. This is not a person I keep in touch with, but we chat when we run into each other. I know they love cats and they loved him very much. I think they would appreciate knowing, but it's an awkward thing to say to someone I don't really talk to.

— Sleepy in Seattle

Hey there, Sleepy,

I bumped your question up in my queue because this is obviously a pretty pressing one. The very short answer to this question is "yes, you should tell them." But, I know it's complicated and made trickier by the fact that you're not in regular contact, so you're definitely in a position where you will have to proactively bring it up, rather than mentioning it in conversation. No one likes to be the bearer of bad tidings, and you're definitely not required to tell them, but it will be appreciated in the long run, although you are clearly prepared for an awkward initial reaction.

You did a great thing when you took in your cat—welcoming him into your house meant that he got to skip the shelter when your acquaintance wasn't able to care for him. You two are obviously deeply connected and have had a rewarding and fun time together. Since it's been seven years, I am hazarding a guess that he may have been living with you longer than in his original home, but I'm sure his prior guardian thinks about him (and may even have asked about how he's doing with you in the past). It's really tough to surrender or rehome a cat and it can create a lot of complicated feelings, including guilt, which may bubble back up again when you share the news. You are not responsible for managing those feelings, but it can be good to think about them as you approach this conversation.

The first thing I'd want to do is to get clear information on the diagnosis and prognosis, since you mentioned details were pending. That information can help you make some decisions about which treatments you want to pursue and the level of intervention you're comfortable with. This is a conversation you want to enter frontloaded with as much information as possible, and it's also one you want to enter with a clear idea in mind about what the next few weeks, months, or years are going to look like.

With that in hand, you can reach out via whatever platform feels most comfortable. It might be easiest to send an email, direct message, or even letter, rather than trying to coordinate a time to meet up in person. (Not least because if you don't talk often, sending a message like "hey, can we meet up for tea" will ring alarm bells, and it's better to just say the thing.)

You can say something like: "Hi, acquaintance, I wanted to let you know that [cat] was recently diagnosed with congestive heart failure, and according to the vet, his prognosis is about [time period]. I'm pursuing the recommended treatment to keep him comfortable. I know that it was incredibly difficult for you to place him with me when you weren't able to care for him, and while I hate breaking this news, I felt it was important for you to know. Our seven years together have been really wonderful, and I'm glad he had a safe place to land with me."

You can decide if you want to leave the door open for providing more information, like "If you'd like, I can keep you posted about how he's doing." You can ALSO decide if you want to allow them an opportunity to see him, al la "if you'd like to visit him, I'm free on [days]." If you do not want to offer that option, you may want to be prepared for the ask and how to respond to it, which may be as simple as "I can totally understand why you'd want to see [cat], and I'm so sorry, but I'm not comfortable with that and want to focus on giving him the best love and care."

In an ideal world, they'll thank you for letting them know, and will respect the fact that they're no longer playing an active role in your cat's life, so you're not inviting input about the medical details or your course of treatment beyond what you've offered to provide. It's possible that they will ask questions or make requests that you don't want to accommodate, whether they want to see him a final time or want you to pursue other treatment options. It's also possible that, if they're in a better position than they were seven years ago, they might offer to contribute to his veterinary expenses—if that's something that would be helpful you're free to accept, although if you think it might come with strings attached or you don't need/want it you can always say no (and suggest they donate to a local organization that shares their love of cats). As your cat's carer and companion for seven years, you do get to draw these boundaries, even if the cat's prior guardian isn't happy about that, and you can gently make that clear.

Alternatively, if you have a mutual connection, you could ask them to break the news—if you want to maintain a boundary with this person and are not comfortable with a back-and-forth, this can be a good middle ground. It's possible they may reach out to you directly after being told, in which case a response like "I appreciate your concern, but I can assure you he's getting the best love and care!" is perfectly reasonable if you're not interested in having a conversation about this—you are, after all, navigating both grief and logistics right now.

I'd favor doing this sooner rather than later to defuse the anxiety and stress you may be feeling and allow you to focus on caring for your companion. I also hope you have good human supporters in your life to help you through a difficult time.

Tell your cat's former guardian I said...

Thank you for trusting me with your cat's care when you were unable—and he's in good hands